If you ever want to be brought to the end of yourself, see your deep need for Jesus and have a whole new understanding of what the gospel means in your life: become the parent of a two year old.
Now, my Laney, she is the best. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. I love her fiercely. But when she has a tantrum, I mean an all out, screaming, arms and legs flailing, tantrum, maybe even her tiny hand raring back and hitting me in the face, in public, several days in a row, it brings a mama to her knees begging God for mercy.
I turn to these wonderfully and wisely written books, who's author's only desire is to help me, and I leave feeling.completely.defeated. I want to implement every word they say, and I think how in the world am I supposed to this with my two year old.
I've had many wise friends tell me that it gets worse before it gets better. Trust me, wise friends, I don't doubt you. And when I think back to the newborn days when Laney would scream and cry for hours only leaving me screaming and crying out to God, "when will this end? will I ever sleep again?!?" And now I look back on those days and cherish them. Her tiny body resting in my arms crying out in the night, only wanting to be soothed and to be with mommy. And I now know that those days did end and I did eventually sleep again. So, with these days of terrible twos, I'm trying to cherish them. Knowing that she's only trying to learn how to be herself. To exert her own will. And once she learns to exert her own will with a bit more wisdom, knowing there's consequences to actions, these days of tantrums will be mostly over and she will be an independent kid. And I will miss these days, which are also mixed with many hugs and kisses and "I love you mommies."
Also, if you are a wise mommy, who has been through this season and has any words of wisdom you wish to impart on this poor, tired mommy. Bring it. I need them. :)
I can't tell you how many phone calls, emails, facebook messages & comments, texts, etc. that I've gotten over the past few days. Each and every one of them has blessed my heart and I want to tell you thank you.
Thank you to those of you who shared about your struggles with pregnancy and miscarriage. It brings much comfort to know that we're not alone and there are people out there who understand.
Thank you for all of your prayers. They are felt.
I had a friend ask me on Wednesday night how I was doing and I can honestly say that each day gets better.
A couple of weeks ago I couldn't understand how people moved on from this. I kind of just wanted to curl up in a ball in the corner of my world and not come out for a while. Luckily, living with an almost two year old doesn't give you the option to distance yourself from the world around you, life keeps going. And so does she. Have I mentioned she likes to run? She does, so I must keep up. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for God's timing in all of this. That he allowed this to happen at a moment in our life where we just have to keep going.
I'm thankful for a God who is strong when we feel like we can't be. And I'm thankful that He uses His people to be His hands and feet. You all are such blessings. I hope I can encourage people the way that you have encouraged me.
I've been contemplating writing this post for about a week now, not sure if I was ready to share or even wanted to share. But after much thought and prayer I decided how can you, my friends, ever truly rejoice with us, if you don't know of our grief and loss. So here it goes.
A couple of months ago Eric and I decided it was time to try and get pregnant. This was a new thing for our families- for some one to actually "try" to get pregnant instead of being surprised by it. We were so excited! It was day 26 and I could barely stand it...I was so ready to take a pregnancy test. I gathered up some self-discipline and waited...until day 27. ha! And there it was...TWO LINES! I was beyond thrilled. Eric was sleeping (night-shift life) so I ran and grabbed Laney gave her a big hug and told her she was going to be a big sister! I kept pointing to my belly and saying "there's a baby growing in there." Her almost two year old mind couldn't quite comprehend that, but she humored me none the less and would point to my stomach and say "baby." How exciting to have a baby due the day after Christmas. What a blessing.
A little over two weeks after I took the test I started having some spotting. I spotted some with Laney, so I didn't think it was a big deal. A couple of days later I went to lunch with a friend, and when I came home I noticed the spotting had become much more than that. I knew. I got on the phone with my doctor's office. The nurse was really nice, she told me not to worry, this happens to a lot of people and everything's usually fine. We made an appointment to come in the next morning and that was it. But I knew. I couldn't stop crying. I tried to play with Laney, but it just wasn't happening. That precious baby girl sat there and watched her momma cry her eyes out, and with such a compassionate heart came over and looked at me real seriously and just hugged me and patted my arm. Sweet Eric had to work the next three nights in a row and there just wasn't much he could do but hug me and run out the door to work. The next day I went in to see the doctor. She talked to me for a while and then sent me in for an ultrasound. I had a bit of a moment of relief when we saw that the baby was there and was where it was supposed to be. I was measuring 5 weeks and 4 days, so it was too early to see a heartbeat. The doctor told me to wait a week and then come back and see her.
The next seven days about killed me. We drove down to Montgomery to celebrate my birthday and to throw a shower for my SIL and baby Griffin. A couple of hours after being in Montgomery, my mom looked at me and said that I wasn't acting like myself. So, I spilled the beans. With tears running down my face I told my mom and my sister what was happening. They tried to comfort me the best they could and tell me everything was going to be ok. I knew it wasn't. It was hard trying to celebrate turning 31 when I was just so sad I wanted to do anything but celebrate. I tried to make it through the weekend and I did. We got back to Memphis on a Monday and I wasn't due to go to the doctor until Wednesday. It was a long couple of days. I went in on a Wednesday afternoon. They sent me back to get an ultrasound. I felt so bad for the technician. She had to tell me, what I could obviously see on the screen. The baby was gone (the Lord gives and the Lord takes away---blessed be His name). Just like that- our joy turned into grief. I tried to hold it together until I got out of the office. I made it to my car and fell to pieces.
I got home and walked through the door and my two biggest blessings were sitting on the floor of our living room playing with blocks. It was good for my heart to be reminded what a miracle Laney is-- what an amazing gift from God. That night before I put her to bed I just held her and rocked her. Tears streaming down my face I looked at her and told her that her life counts, she has purpose, and that God wants to use her to do mighty things. I tried to sing "Jesus loves me"--- and as I was singing I could feel my heavenly Father's arms wrap around us. He loves us. It's simple and true.
The night before I went in for that second ultrasound I wrote something down in my journal as I was praying to God. "No matter what I'm CHOOSING JOY, HOPE & TRUST." The Lord has spoken so clearly to me over the past couple of weeks-- He just keeps telling me to trust Him-- I do, I really do. I'm sad...I can't help but be. But God heals and comforts and oh how I'm so thankful that He does. I know this happens to so many women, and I have found much comfort in talking to a few friends who have walked this road. I'm so thankful for them and their encouraging words. God is using people to help heal and comfort and it's so incredible to see Him at work in the body.
Every year I buy myself something for my birthday and this year I bought Christy Nockel's new album "Into the Glorious." The song "Healing is in Your Hands" has been on repeat. So I'll leave you with this...
No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know could keep us from Your love No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough to keep us from Your love
to keep us from Your love
How high, how wide No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands How deep, How strong And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands
In all things, we know that, we are more than conquerers You keep us by Your love
Almost a month ago my Mom, Sister, Campbell & Adeline drove up to Memphis for a few days. It was my mom's Spring Break and what better way could "Sissy" think of to spend her time off than with all her girls! :) While they were here we went out to Shelby Farms to let the girlies play. And play they did! They always have so much fun together...I'm sure you can't tell from the pictures! :)
Umm...that last one is a picture of my child FLYING down the slide! Yes, I was taking pictures while my baby girl was going 90 to nothing down the slide. I managed to snap this and then catch her, but I was a little shaken up. We had no idea how fast she would go. After that we made sure one of us went down the slide with her.
We also went to the zoo while they were here. Campbell and Adeline had never been to the zoo before!! It was so fun to see them loving all the animals.
We had so much fun! Please please please come back again SOON!! Laney misses her BF "Ah-La"!
Happy Monday to all! We had a fun filled weekend! Friday night I was lucky enough that my sweet husband spent some quality time with Laney so that I could go see the Hunger Games with a couple of girl friends. It was a really great way to kick off my weekend. Then Saturday, Laney's buddy, Amos had his 2nd birthday party (you can check out the photo blog for pics from the party). Laney had a blast! Have I mentioned how full of life she is? We had to chase her down the whole party to make sure she didn't run into the pond full of ducks! She's crazy.
Also, over the weekend I was doing a little cleaning and found this gem! Our talented friend, Scott Van Dusen, cartooned a bunch of us several years ago. This is his take on Eric...short shorts and all! :) I just thought it was funny and wanted to share.
What happened?!?! Did we just totally skip over Spring? I'm hoping that it'll cool off soon, but if not we're going to be spending the next 5 months like this...
She's a funny girl and is growing up so quickly. I swear looked at her the other day and it's like she went from a baby to a little girl...I don't know what it was, but she's turned into a little girl. Maybe it's because she has enough hair to pull back in a rubber band, or because she wants me to paint her little toe nails, or because she sings and dances to the music in her heart, but she's not a baby anymore.
Confession- I've been pretty lazy with my picture taking. We all know it's just so easy and convenient to bust out our phones--speaking of--my new favorite camera app is "camera awesome"--Check it-- It's a good one. So here's what we've been up to lately via my phone camera...
First let's start with the most important...I'm going to be an AUNT again!! Walker and Emily are having a baby BOY in August!! This group of girl cousins is finally getting a boy!! We're all so excited!
We've been playing at the park a lot lately. The warmer weather has been making it irresistible to be outside. We often go to the park with Amos and Evie...who Laney loving calls "AMY"...I think she might have just combined their names or something?
I've been working hard on our house...particularly Laney's room. We're kind of redoing it. Her room at our old house was TINY...and her room at our new house is HUGE! So we're having to make some adjustments and move things around/buy a few new things/find things on the street corner and bring them home like this rocking chair...
I redid her dresser...the old one, well, I kinda called it the "boobie dresser" because it was white and had tiny pink knobs set really wide on the drawer...TOO MUCH INFO? Maybe? Oh well. Here's the new dresser...I painted it grey and added some new hardware and moved the knobs/pulls to the center. Looks SOOOOOO much better!
One more "homie" thing I've done is I made a Spring wreath! I think I might have seen it on pinterest. It's made from fabric scraps...super easy and super cheap.
And here's a couple of my girl just because I think she's ADORABLE!!! :) Oh! And she wanted me to paint her toe nails the other day...I mean..SERIOUSLY!?!?! I love being the mommy to a girl (not to say I wouldn't LOVE to have a baby boy one day).