I've been contemplating writing this post for about a week now, not sure if I was ready to share or even wanted to share. But after much thought and prayer I decided how can you, my friends, ever truly rejoice with us, if you don't know of our grief and loss. So here it goes.
A couple of months ago Eric and I decided it was time to try and get pregnant. This was a new thing for our families- for some one to actually "try" to get pregnant instead of being surprised by it. We were so excited! It was day 26 and I could barely stand it...I was so ready to take a pregnancy test. I gathered up some self-discipline and waited...until day 27. ha! And there it was...TWO LINES! I was beyond thrilled. Eric was sleeping (night-shift life) so I ran and grabbed Laney gave her a big hug and told her she was going to be a big sister! I kept pointing to my belly and saying "there's a baby growing in there." Her almost two year old mind couldn't quite comprehend that, but she humored me none the less and would point to my stomach and say "baby." How exciting to have a baby due the day after Christmas. What a blessing.
A little over two weeks after I took the test I started having some spotting. I spotted some with Laney, so I didn't think it was a big deal. A couple of days later I went to lunch with a friend, and when I came home I noticed the spotting had become much more than that. I knew. I got on the phone with my doctor's office. The nurse was really nice, she told me not to worry, this happens to a lot of people and everything's usually fine. We made an appointment to come in the next morning and that was it. But I knew. I couldn't stop crying. I tried to play with Laney, but it just wasn't happening. That precious baby girl sat there and watched her momma cry her eyes out, and with such a compassionate heart came over and looked at me real seriously and just hugged me and patted my arm. Sweet Eric had to work the next three nights in a row and there just wasn't much he could do but hug me and run out the door to work. The next day I went in to see the doctor. She talked to me for a while and then sent me in for an ultrasound. I had a bit of a moment of relief when we saw that the baby was there and was where it was supposed to be. I was measuring 5 weeks and 4 days, so it was too early to see a heartbeat. The doctor told me to wait a week and then come back and see her.
The next seven days about killed me. We drove down to Montgomery to celebrate my birthday and to throw a shower for my SIL and baby Griffin. A couple of hours after being in Montgomery, my mom looked at me and said that I wasn't acting like myself. So, I spilled the beans. With tears running down my face I told my mom and my sister what was happening. They tried to comfort me the best they could and tell me everything was going to be ok. I knew it wasn't. It was hard trying to celebrate turning 31 when I was just so sad I wanted to do anything but celebrate. I tried to make it through the weekend and I did. We got back to Memphis on a Monday and I wasn't due to go to the doctor until Wednesday. It was a long couple of days. I went in on a Wednesday afternoon. They sent me back to get an ultrasound. I felt so bad for the technician. She had to tell me, what I could obviously see on the screen. The baby was gone (the Lord gives and the Lord takes away---blessed be His name). Just like that- our joy turned into grief. I tried to hold it together until I got out of the office. I made it to my car and fell to pieces.
I got home and walked through the door and my two biggest blessings were sitting on the floor of our living room playing with blocks. It was good for my heart to be reminded what a miracle Laney is-- what an amazing gift from God. That night before I put her to bed I just held her and rocked her. Tears streaming down my face I looked at her and told her that her life counts, she has purpose, and that God wants to use her to do mighty things. I tried to sing "Jesus loves me"--- and as I was singing I could feel my heavenly Father's arms wrap around us. He loves us. It's simple and true.
The night before I went in for that second ultrasound I wrote something down in my journal as I was praying to God. "No matter what I'm CHOOSING JOY, HOPE & TRUST." The Lord has spoken so clearly to me over the past couple of weeks-- He just keeps telling me to trust Him-- I do, I really do. I'm sad...I can't help but be. But God heals and comforts and oh how I'm so thankful that He does. I know this happens to so many women, and I have found much comfort in talking to a few friends who have walked this road. I'm so thankful for them and their encouraging words. God is using people to help heal and comfort and it's so incredible to see Him at work in the body.
Every year I buy myself something for my birthday and this year I bought Christy Nockel's new album "Into the Glorious." The song "Healing is in Your Hands" has been on repeat. So I'll leave you with this...
No mountain, no valley, no gain or loss we know
could keep us from Your love
No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough
to keep us from Your love
to keep us from Your love
How high, how wide
No matter where I am,
healing is in Your hands
How deep, How strong
And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands
In all things, we know that, we are more than conquerers
You keep us by Your love
Swafford Thanksgiving 2013
3 days ago